Even the shorthand messages made popular by texting have a tendency to redefine themselves on a visit to Absurdville.
WARNING: This page contains explicit language. Please cover your ears.
OMG | exclam.
Oh! My Gastric tube
Rolling over in bed, she disturbed the feeding tube sewn into her bright red infected abdominal tissue, causing her to mutter, “OMG, fuck!”
ASAP | abbr.
As Sorry As Possible
After sneaking away to make business calls and finish overdue work for clients, he returned ASAP to his wife napping in the ICU.¹
LOL | abbr.
Laughing Out of Line
When the nurse picked up the remote, flicked on the blaring TV and instructed the patient—fresh out of pilonidal cyst² removal surgery and suffering from a nausea-inducing migraine headache—to let the TV distract her from the pain, I was like, LOL, and politely asked the nurse to get the fuck out of the room.
FYI | abbr.
For Your Intestines
“With your pancreas and gall bladder removed,” informed the renown U of M surgeon, “Your body will not produce the enzymes needed to digest food. So after your Total Pancreatectomy Islet Auto-transplant³, you’ll need to take enzyme pills with every snack and meal—always—FYI.”
BTW | abbr.
Buy Tons of Wet Wipes
BTW — everything will be okay.
BRB | abbr.
Be Running Back
Standing at the deli counter in the grocery store with his 5yo at his knees, he answered his phone to hear a panicky voice crescendoing, “The dog jumped through the window. Where did he go? Do you have the dog!? DO YOU HAVE THE DOG!?”
“I’m sure the dog is fine,” he said calmly, knowing he didn’t have the dog—they didn’t even OWN a dog—not even a pet. “Stay where you are, Babe” he ordered and hung up before texting, “BRB!”
ILY | abbr. (meaning remains unchanged)
I Love You
Him (texting from the living room): ily
Her (texting back from the bedroom): ily2
¹ICU | abbr.
I See You Hurting
²Pilonidal cyst | noun
“A pilonidal (pie-low-NIE-dul) cyst is an abnormal pocket in the skin that usually contains hair and skin debris. A pilonidal cyst is almost always located near the tailbone at the top of the cleft of the buttocks. If a pilonidal cyst becomes infected, the resulting abscess is often extremely painful. People who sit for prolonged periods of time are at higher risk of developing a pilonidal cyst.”
–Courtesy of MayoClinic.org
Sitting for long periods of time? Yes, as in being sidelined by MS symptoms and chronic migraine that confined her to our bed for days, sometimes weeks, at a time.
³Total Pancreatectomy Islet Auto-transplant | noun
“Chronic pancreatitis is an inflammatory disease of the pancreas that can cause severe abdominal pain. The disease is rare and occurs gradually over time. Mild cases of pancreatitis may clear up without treatment, but severe cases can be life threatening. If you have chronic pancreatitis and previous treatments have not relieved your symptoms, you may qualify for a total pancreatectomy and islet auto-transplant.”
–Courtesy of University of Minnesota Health Systems
Copyright © 2020. Russ Stark. All Rights Reserved.
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