Behold the lost chronicles of Mini Epic Gummy Battles from the Stark household in Absurdville’s Minneapolis district. This savagery of the most sticky kind took place between 2008 and 2010 upon our kitchen table where bear-shaped L’il Critters™ Gummy Vites™ vitamins were thoughtfully posed with a toy from Luca’s room. This was my desperate attempt on school days to lure Luca from his cozy bed when anxiety and depression were paralyzing his thoughts and weighing down his slender little body. To my delight then and to my disbelief now, it worked.

Luca would open his eyes and say he didn’t want to go to school, to which I would reply that I didn’t say a word about school and was instead wondering what the gummies were up to this morning. Pushing off his blanket and sliding to the floor, he’d get dressed and eagerly descend the stairs to discover who the gummies were poised to battle. That’s when the boy, and his imagination, were fed.

“Luca, I am your father!”

Shot on iPhone 1st Generation

Gummies commandeer Indiana Jones’ plane before he can return from the cave — 1/3

Gummies confront Indiana Jones — 2/3

Aftermath of an Epic Mini Gummy Battle —3/3

Gummies invade the unfolding Death Star —1/3

Aboard the Death Star, the plot thickens — 2/3

Luca, I am your Father! 3/3

Gummies raid the Stormtrooper locker and face off in a perilous game of two-wheeled chicken

Piloting an AT ST, the Gummies were elated to feel what it’s like to have two legs

Gummies take on the cross-genre-but-geographically-plausible team of Abominable Snow Monster and Penguin

Gummy: “So what if I don’t have arms and legs, at least I don’t pretend to have arms” Dino: “Rooaaarr!”

Gummies confront the population of McDonald’s toys that appear to be multiplying in the toy box

Gummies come to the rescue of Robots Rodney and Fender

Gummy: “I have a rubberband car and I’m not afraid to use it, annoying little monkey”

RIP John Doe Minifigure

Gummies fight the evil of two-headed McDonald’s toys

Gummy 1: “Whose move is it?” Gummy 2: “I’m certain neither of us can move until Luca comes down stairs”

Gummies about to meet their doom, unless Lord Luca can save them in time — 1/2

“The vitamin force is strong with this one. The other one, not so much.” — 2/2

Tiananmen Gummy

“Empty without your fortified Gummy force, you are.”

Whatever this dude is supposed to be, he has no chance against this Gummy duo.

In a world, where giant Gummies fall asleep in your cute capsule home

Luca: (annoyed) “Dad, this is wrong. Cars can’t battle Gummies.” Me: (dazed & confused) “Oh, my bad.”

Gummies on Prehistoric Safari try not to be lunch before being part of Luca’s breakfast

Gummies clean up after a mini rampage by Chewbacca

Preparing for launch in a cereal-box rocket to go battle aliens

Luca: (seemingly disappointed in me) “Dad, I told you, this is wrong!” Me: (worried about tears) “I…I wasn’t done. Help me finish it?”

This Gummy has a LEGO Bionicle right where he wants him

No stunt too dangerous for Indiana Jones and his two new sidekicks

(At the time of this photo, I didn’t realize how X-rated it was)

Even Gummies can’t stand to be around Jar Jar Binks

While Luke, Han & Chewy prepare the not-an-X-wing for the mission, the Gummies pose as edible cargo — 1/2

Gummies take turns with photo opps with not-an-X-wing spacecraft — 2/2

Outnumbered, but not out flavorful-ed

“These are not the Gummies you’re looking for.”

Copyright © 2020. Russ Stark. All Rights Reserved.